Well this is embarrasing

So I started blogging a few years back. And shortly thereafter stopped blogging. Embarrassing!! I had my reasons, but am feeling like they don't matter so much any more. So why did I stop all the sudden? Well, I think I became aware of how much your privacy totally disappears when you're a foster parent. You have case workers, social workers, therapists, CASA (court appointed advocates), visitation supervisors, courtesy workers, birth parents up in your business all the time and it can feel, well, invasive! I felt like i didn't know how to handle that all at once, and the thought of putting what we were going through on a blog was not appealing. Maybe it's my personality, that I'm a little more guarded by nature. But anyways, there you have it.

I can't even retrace what all has happened in the last two years, it's truly too much to write. But i do want to explain a little about our girl J and our wonderful, heart wrenching, amazing two years with her.

She came to us at four months old. I remember every detail of that night. It was dark and stormy and she came late in the evening. I remember seeing her face for the first time and feeling so much love for her. One thing about this though is that we had no idea yet how the system worked. (We have learned soooooo much ;) She came to us labeled a "slam dunk" for adoption. That her mom would never get her back. And we believed them. Because we just didn't know any better.

But then a year turned into a year and a half. And still no progress towards that whole being able to adopt thing. Let me mention one thing on that note: I feel sometimes there are two tracks with foster care. Those who strictly foster and those who are trying to adopt through the system. And let me say this loud and clear: both are equally needed and important. May one track never judge the other. For us, the track we felt led to is adoption. We've always felt that way. We just didn't know it would be so hard.

At around 18 months J got a new social worker. This is extremely common in the foster world, but always frustrating when it comes late in the case. The new social worker is trying to catch up on what has happened so far and deciding how they want things to move forward. In a nutshell, he decided that mom had not been offered enough services by the department and J needed to be moved home. This was a drastic change for us and a serious shock. She was our baby, our girl. The thought of losing her was more than I could even imagine.

But I had to imagine it, because it became reality. Over the course of a few months, transition plans were drawn up, team meetings were attended, overnights with her mom took place. And then one day in November we drove our sweet baby girl to a parking lot, transferred all her belongings to her grandmas car and said goodbye. Except she didn't know it was goodbye, that was the killer. How can you prepare a two year old for something like this? You can't. And that's what broke my heart the most. How confused she must have been when it finally sunk in.

I know that's not a lot of details for a two year ordeal. There were so many happy moments, so many victories, so many challenges. But I think what I want to address are the questions I've gotten after she left. "How did you do it?" "Doesn't that just make you want to quit?" "I could never do that!"

Well, I'm not exactly sure how I do it. Yes it makes me want to quit. And yes, you could do it too believe it or not. What I want to say is I have no regrets. Yes it is completely horrible when a little one has grown up their entire life in your home, calling you mommy and daddy, and suddenly they're no longer there. I miss her like crazy. I wish I would have taken more videos because I forget what her voice sounds like and it kills me. But do I wish she had never come into our life so that I could have avoided pain? Never. Never. Never. The memories we have with her are priceless. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Her mom called me by accident the other night and I felt so privileged to hear J say "Hiiiiiiiiii" to me on the phone. She is loved, she's safe, she's doing well. That's what matters, that's what counts. We are the lucky ones and she taught us so much.

And no we haven't quit. We have a sweet 11 month old boy with us (since birth) and he is stealing my heart as well. So be it. He deserves that. This is a process I'd never thought I would want to walk through, but more amazing and rewarding than I could have ever imagined. Thank you to all of you for you love and support. Thanks for loving our kiddos, no matter how long they are with us.

More to come.